Moral Dilemma

Posted on April 15, 2013 by Tristen

Tricked you…there actually is no dilemma in the topic I’m about to discuss.  Well…at least there shouldn’t be.  Morality.  What in the world are single adults, and mid-single adults thinking???  I’ll tell you what they’re thinking…that it’s no big deal to get naked with the opposite sex.  That touchin’ boobies and things, is an expected and normal part of a make-out.  That activities containing the word “sex” in their title are far from sex, and therefore not bad.  Or that ‘Snapchatt’ing dirty porno ‘selfies’ is flirty and fun.  I’m blown away by the stories that I keep hearing.  Have we forgotten everything we were ever taught about the law of chastity and where the line is?

Now- don’t you start reading this and think I’m judging you.  Well actually I guess I am judging all of us and our actions – but I’m not over here thinking I’m better than you.  I’m only thinking that some may need a reminder of how detrimental immorality is.  And some may need a reminder of where the line should be, and a realization that they actually happen to cross it on a regular basis.  Let’s call it what it is… the endless rationalizations are seriously hilarious.

I was raised in a very open family in regards to topics of conversation.  My parents sat all 12 of us down for FHE many a time with a pop up book of the human anatomy.  (Yes… a pop up book!)  These family home evening lessons were filled with groans of disgust, ear plugging, and tightly shut eyes.  To this day I cannot handle the appropriate terminology for body parts…that might show some immaturity on my part…whatever- just don’t say that stuff around me.

Well when I began dating, my older brother Seth had a sit down talk with me.  It was mortifying hearing him discuss things that would be inappropriate for me to participate in, and where the line was.  Imagine having your brother tell you that when you’re kissing a boy, and he rubs up on any part of your body, it’s bad.  I didn’t have a clue what that meant, but he assured me boys are very well aware of what they are doing – so beware of their sneaky attempts at being shady.  I listened that day and understood loud and clear what was ok to do with a boy.  Pretty much…I could kiss ’em.  End of story.

Ummm guess what everyone…the story still ends there!  The values we have and the laws of chastity that are laid before us, didn’t shift just because we turned 30.  If anything we should be more strict with our line because our hormones are raging!  Trust me…this body of mine wants to be makin’ some babies.  I get it.  And honestly I guess I’m doing this post so that I remember that my standards aren’t allowed to shift as a congratulatory boobie prize for being the last in the whole wide world to ever get married. (Ha…I think that was funny.)

A girl once told me she actually had more testosterone than the average girl, so it was harder for her to be good, and therefore she shouldn’t be judged so harshly.  That’s the freaking dumbest girl I’ve ever met.  Girl…you don’t know hard.  How about trying to actually withstand the temptation and not give in.  Now that’s hard.  It’s way harder to be good.  Way.

So I give props to the ones that are working so hard to be good.  It is hard work.  I also give props to the ones that are working so hard to get back to being good.  That is probably even harder work.  The topic of morality and all that it entails, has endless discussion points.  But there really should be no dilemma.  Remember where the line was years ago…and get back in front of it.

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So What Should I Do With My Life?

Posted on September 22, 2012 by Tristen

There are days I just wish someone would tell me what in the world I was supposed to be doing with my life.  There are other days I have the clearest vision of who I am and what I am to become.  As single adults I am positive we are constantly trying to make sense of the chaos surrounding us.  When someone brings a glimmer of clarity into the picture our gratitude feels overwhelming and we want to share it with others.  (Kind of like the gospel, eh?!)

Well this year, I again went to Education Week at BYU.  Predictably, I came home with more motivation and desire to be the best me and really fulfill my mission in life.  My favorite speaker (who I’ve mentioned in previous posts – his books are incredible!) Randal Wright was able to share some exciting news with me.  Since meeting him over a year ago he has become somewhat of a mentor to me, helping me to understand exactly what my mission in life is.  He has helped and challenged me in a guided step by step fashion to work towards and become my very best self.  It’s easy for me to see that I have a long way to go, but the stories, experiences, and lessons he has shared with me have increased my ability and desire to progress.

Now…for his exciting news!  He has just launched a website “Achieving Your Life Mission” with the many great motivational tools he has shared with me over the last year.  On his site he will be giving weekly messages that will help you to discover and achieve your life mission.  His weekly videos are incredibly motivating.  (Although sometimes after watching them I think, “Why can’t I be like that?” Which isn’t very motivating…just depressing…so I switch my thinking to this instead, “Sweet…I’m going to do something like that too!” -and I feel inspired and motivated.  It’s all about that dang mind control…right?!)

Life is a crazy maze of confusion sometimes.  We are asked to endure things well and to live with great amounts of JOY in our life.  We are asked to step into the darkness and are promised the light will come.  Elder Packer relates a story I think of often in his address, “The Edge of the Light”

Shortly after I was called as a General Authority, I went to Elder Harold B. Lee for counsel. He listened very carefully to my problem and suggested that I see President David O. McKay. President McKay counseled me as to the direction I should go. I was very willing to be obedient but saw no way possible for me to do as he counseled me to do.

     I returned to Elder Lee and told him that I saw no way to move in the direction I was counseled to go. He said, “The trouble with you is you want to see the end from the beginning.” I replied that I would like to see at least a step or two ahead. Then came the lesson of a lifetime: “You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you.” Then he quoted these eighteen words from the Book of Mormon: “Dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.”

So on into the darkness we go…trying to answer the questions: “Why in the world am I not married?”  “What should my career be?”  “How can I use my time, energy, and talents to build up the Kingdom?” “What is my purpose, my personal mission in life?”  “What in the world does God want me to be doing??!”

I hope Randal Wright’s website (www.achieveyourlifemission.com or www.lifemission4u.com) can be a strength and tool for you in discovering who you really are and who you are meant to become.  I certainly believe we all have individual purpose and a certain mission to achieve and perform while here on earth!  Randal Wright has been a great help to me as I’ve journeyed into those ‘few steps of darkness,’ trying to understand my own.  I’m so excited about having all this good stuff right at my fingertips.  You can subscribe to his posts and if his mentoring has been a help to you I hope that you’ll share it with others! xoxo

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Girls on the Edge…Actin’ Stupid!

Posted on May 20, 2012 by Tristen

In the middle of my 20’s I went through a break up that rocked my world.  It was the biggest struggle of my life getting over it.  I had lost all sense of who I was or where my future was headed without this boy in it.  I was a big ‘ol mess.  Having been raised with copious amounts of understanding who I was- I’d never really faced the challenges of a loss of identity, or had factors confusing that knowledge for me.  I didn’t even really know how to identify the problem, I just knew I was not myself, far from my best self, and extremely lost.  It was overwhelming and I wouldn’t wish that kind of nightmare on my worst enemy!!

Just like the book Dr. Sax wrote for the boys (see boys post here)…he wrote one for the girls and the four factors driving their crisis.  Again he supports a message that is extremely applicable for women of all ages.  Particularly one factor that I feel very passionate about…

Esteem; Where a girls self worth is coming from and where it should be coming from.  Girls act stupid because they don’t know who they are.  Fix this…and I think you fix the world!

Well months after this horrible breakup of mine, I was with my old Beehive teacher Debra, who had become a great friend of mine.  She taught me a lesson that day that changed my life.  A lesson that once I fully grasped and understood- was a turning point for me.

She told me that my self worth couldn’t come from a boy.  Things might not work out between us.  She told me my self worth couldn’t come from how much money I made or my job.  I might lose it.  She told me my esteem couldn’t even come from my husband because, – he could leave me, or die, or make poor choices.  She told me the source of my esteem couldn’t come from whether or not I was skinny, or pretty, or un-wrinkly –  what if something happened and I became deformed?  Debra taught me that the only place my self worth could come from was the one and only thing I had full control over…and that was… my standing before the Lord!  Everything else was out of my control.  Tragedy, misfortune, and unpredictability could strike at any moment with any other factor.  If my esteem were based upon those shaky foundations than I was going to be screwed when things didn’t go my way.  But if at the end of the day I could with full confidence stand tall before the Lord then I should and could- feel like a million bucks!

What a lesson!  It took a while for it to really sink in.  In fact for the next 6 months I repeated “My esteem only comes from my standing before the Lord.  It’s the only thing I have full control over!” hundreds of times in my head.  This was a principle that I knew to be true, then I began to understand it in a whole new light, and finally I began to live my life applying this truth in every aspect of daily living.  I came again to be able to discern fully who I was as a daughter of God, and from then on out have determined that to be the one and only source of my esteem.  There are a lot of other great things in life that I consider to be a nice cherry on top…but they are not the source of my esteem because I don’t have full control over them and they could be taken away at any moment.

If there was only one thing I could chose to share with the whole wide gigantic world, it would be this lesson!  So obviously I was obsessed when Dr. Sax had so much to say regarding the misplaced source of worth so many women struggle with.

“If your daughter can develop a sense of self that is deeply rooted, then she will grow up to be a resilient and self-confident woman.  …A sense of self is about who you are, not about how you look or what kinds of grades you get or who you’re friends with.  Emily defined herself as the smart kid.  Melissa was Jessica’s BFF.  Madison was the cute one.  Take that away, and each girl’s sense of self collapsed.”

This little excerpt is from the introduction of Dr. Sax’s book, “Girls on the Edge.”  The rest of the book goes into great detail of what factors he feels the loss of esteem can be attributed to and how to fix them.  Fascinating…and SOOO accurate.  It all boils down to esteem!  We gotta know who we are, and then act accordingly!  Trust me girls – you want to learn this lesson if you haven’t already.  And boys…trust me you wanna marry one that has!

 

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Should I Stay or Should I Go….

Posted on May 15, 2012 by Tristen

How many times have you started dating somebody and things were pretty much close to perfection…and then you start feeling all sorts of uncertain about any future possibilities with this person?  So… you check out, move onto the next lady (or gent) on your list, all the while giving yourself accolades for the courage to walk away and be true to your feelings.  “Good for you,” you tell yourself… “it’s better to be alone then with someone you weren’t quite sure about.”  And perhaps it is in the long run – but if this is how you’re feeling within the first month of dating someone – I’m here to tell you to ride it out.

According to Dr. John Gray (a relationship God!) in his book, “Mars and Venus on a Date” (absolutely brilliant dating book!…time to put that on my site’s reading list!) there are 5 stages to dating.

1.Attraction

2.Uncertainty

3.Exclusivity

4.Intimacy (doesn’t have to mean sex… fyi)

5.Engagement

Attraction- you like them.  You’re dating lots of people, but this one particular person is a bit more intriguing than the rest.  You assume the next natural move is to pursue that individual into the stage of exclusivity and give it a real go.  So…that’s what most of us do – but then you start getting all mixed up in your head.

If you’re a guy maybe you start thinking those other girls who were paying you a lot of attention just a few weeks previous to your ‘exclusivity’ are sounding real tempting.  (aka: ‘grass is always lookin’ a little greener’ effect)  Or if you’re a girl maybe you start asking yourself very premature questions as to whether or not this boy could in actuality make you happy eternally?

Now here’s where the game changing bit of knowledge comes into play.  When those thoughts creep on into your mind early on in the dating process…know that, that is an actual STAGE of dating!  We are supposed to feel “uncertain” about things.  It is actually the natural progression of a blossoming romance.  Anxiety and a lack of confidence may come abruptly and all of a sudden – or slowly creep in as  you find yourself repeatedly avoiding spending time with your new ‘fling’ (it’s about to be over so it could only be described as such…right?).

The real key is to acknowledge that uncertainty is bound to happen early on in a relationship.  Acknowledge it and move the freak forward!  You gotta let it have the chance to move past that stage and see if there is a real connection.  Now if you’re feeling all queasy 6 months into an exclusive relationship don’t go ignoring those red flags etc…but if initially you liked the person, you were attracted to them, you envisioned a possible fun future with them at one time not too long ago…KEEP DATING THEM!  If you’ve been careful not to pursue other relationships during the ‘uncertainty’ stage then the future will become obvious.  Shades of gray will become a black and white choice.  You either want to get to know them more… or you don’t.  Make your decision then.

So should you stay or should you go???  If you have to even question the choice and it’s not blatantly obvious – ride it out and give things a chance to become clear again.  They will…you’re just going through a stage.

xoxo -T

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Line Upon Line…Date After Date

Posted on May 10, 2012 by Tristen

This morning I was listening to Elder Bednar’s previous conference address, “The Spirit of Revelation.”  Absolutely superb talk!  He spoke of the revelation and inspiration we receive from the spirit, and the many different ways it can be received.

A light turned on in a dark room is like receiving a message from God quickly, completely, and all at once. Many of us have experienced this pattern of revelation as we have been given answers to sincere prayers or been provided with needed direction or protection, according to God’s will and timing. Descriptions of such immediate and intense manifestations are found in the scriptures, recounted in Church history, and evidenced in our own lives. Indeed, these mighty miracles do occur. However, this pattern of revelation tends to be more rare than common.

The gradual increase of light radiating from the rising sun is like receiving a message from God “line upon line, precept upon precept” (2 Nephi 28:30). Most frequently, revelation comes in small increments over time and is granted according to our desire, worthiness, and preparation. Such communications from Heavenly Father gradually and gently “distill upon [our souls] as the dews from heaven” (D&C 121:45). This pattern of revelation tends to be more common than rare and is evident in the experiences of Nephi as he tried several different approaches before successfully obtaining the plates of brass from Laban (see 1 Nephi 3–4). Ultimately, he was led by the Spirit to Jerusalem, “not knowing beforehand the things which [he] should do” (1 Nephi 4:6). And he did not learn how to build a ship of curious workmanship all at one time; rather, Nephi was shown by the Lord “from time to time after what manner [he] should work the timbers of the ship” (1 Nephi 18:1).

Then Elder Bednar shared some examples of members of the church receiving revelation in this manner.  He then said that we as members of the church have a good time talking about all the big and grand gestures the Spirit has made in the lives of others.  We often “fail to appreciate and may even overlook the customary pattern by which the Holy Ghost accomplishes His work.”  Then he asked if we ever felt like we weren’t quite getting the inspiration we should or if we, “underestimate (our) spiritual capacity because (we) do not receive frequent, miraculous, or strong impressions.”

I immediately thought of the most common issue I face in Mormon Matchmaking.  I thought of the many well intended singles who -because they didn’t receive a vision of their eternal spouse on their first date- decide not to move forward in dating that individual.  Yeah- you might think I’m exaggerating but believe me…it’s for sure the most common complaint I hear in regards to dating.

If immediate fireworks aren’t bursting, passion isn’t craved, or chemistry isn’t felt a lot of singles take it as THE reason not to continue on.  But I wonder…have they had miraculous and divine intervention on every other brand new endeavor they’ve begun in the past?  Why in the world does a first date, or first meeting of someone of the opposite sex get that kind of bar to live up to?  We are promised at baptism that the spirit can ALWAYS be with us, not only at times of miraculous and obvious divine intervention.

Admitted or not LDS singles are sizing up each other way too prematurely!  And LDS singles are relying way too much on the Lord to do the work for them.  Yes, I think a potential marriage partner should be prayed about.  Yes, I think the Lord can help us to know if our choice is a wise one.  But when that kind of pressure-filled sizing up is done on the first bit of getting to know someone we are pulling a ‘Brother of Jared’ move (Ether 2-3).  The Lord wants…and expects us to use our own mind and intellect to make choices and then He will come in on His part.  As we make good decisions in dating we need to realize that the revelation is actually happening!  We will be led to make that all important decision in the end as we live worthy to receive daily guidance to that point.

In many of the uncertainties and challenges we encounter in our lives, God requires us to do our best, to act and not be acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:26), and to trust in Him. We may not see angels, hear heavenly voices, or receive overwhelming spiritual impressions. We frequently may press forward hoping and praying—but without absolute assurance—that we are acting in accordance with God’s will. But as we honor our covenants and keep the commandments, as we strive ever more consistently to do good and to become better, we can walk with the confidence that God will guide our steps. And we can speak with the assurance that God will inspire our utterances. This is in part the meaning of the scripture that declares, “Then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God” (D&C 121:45).

Let it happen line upon line, date after date!

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How a Man can Successfully Marry- When he’s Plagued with the ‘Yunger Hunger’

Posted on May 10, 2012 by Tristen

This ain't her daddy...although she might call him "Big Poppa"

Well I do believe I came across the answer on how to make all you 35 year old+ men who love the ‘barely legal’ ladies – successful in your dating pursuits.  You are all welcome.  Send me an invite to the party!

While continuing my study of the talk by Hugh Pinnock, “Ten Keys to Successful Dating and Marriage Relationships” I came across this gem: (my own assumptions in red)

Let me tell you a story about a man who received his PhD from this  institution {BYU}. We had known this person for a number of years. He married later than many {my guess is at least 35}, and as we watched him relate with a young woman {what do you think?…19…20?}, we wondered if she could keep up; we wondered if she had the capacity to understand life as he had learned it because he was more than several years older. Then, as we observed that couple at social functions and elsewhere, we saw that he would take time to carefully instruct her. As he returned from classwork, he would bring home books for her to read and to study. As they took long walks, they were constantly teaching each other. What a beautiful marriage and what a lovely family they now have because they have taken the time to compliment and to build each other! They are serving now in the mission field together, there because of his sensitivity and because of her sensitivity, there because they desire to build one another.

These two made their generation gap work…so maybe there is an ounce of hope for you men famished with that ‘Yunger Hunger’?  All joking aside I think he has a valid point to recognize that in lots of ways you aren’t going to be equals in a relationship at first with this kind of age gap.  I mean trust me – I thought I was all sorts of mature at 21 when I dated someone 10 years older than me…but the fact is that was a big age gap!  You are at two completely different stages in life…you just are!  Wisdom and emotional maturity come with age.  When you’re in your 30′s and she practically just had her Quinceañera…things aren’t going to be full of depth for the two of you.  However – with a little instruction, sensitivity, and guidance your teeny bopper’s wisdom can grow… and equals, partners, and companions you can become!  Oh won’t your mother be thrilled to hear she can finally stop praying for you to marry… ya old geezer!  Go find yourself a freshman…I approve!!!  Whoo-hoo!

ps: I haven’t come to my full conclusion when it comes to you aggressive Cougars.  I’ll let you know when I have.

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Wasted Thoughts and Wrecking Balls

Posted on May 9, 2012 by Tristen

If you think something nice…you’re just supposed to say it.  Otherwise it’s one big ‘ol fat wasted thought.  Thank Heavens there are a few others that have been kind enough to show me they abide by this rule of thought.  Do you have any idea how great it feels to know that someone read what you had to say, thought it was helpful, and then tells you about it?  I do…and it feels real real nice!

As far as I know no one reads this darn – (it’s also been called “gay”…I laughed at the dumb chick that said that but told her I at times agreed) thing.  Yes – I have Google Analytic’s but I hate that junk.  I don’t want to care who, and how many, are reading or checking my site.  I’m sure the day will come that I may find that to be important for the growth of my business…but frankly that’s the first kind of person I’m going to hire if expansion needs come my way.  Someone to be in charge of all that driving traffic and social media bologna.

However, when someone takes the time to give me a genuine compliment…I feel like I want to live up to their expectations.  They make me try a little harder to prove them right in their opinion of me.  Hugh Pinnock in his talk, “Ten Keys to Successful Dating and Marriage Relationships” that he gave at a BYU Devotional- illustrates the great importance this same concept has in our dating lives.

Paying compliments

…Compliment each other sincerely and often, just as you do or will do during the dating period. A middle-aged wife once told me, “Someone has to keep my husband humble. He gets so much attention from others that he needs to be brought down a peg or two. He gets too big for his britches.” How sad. Every husband needs a wife who will build him up, and every wife needs a husband to honor and to respect her. Building each other with sincere compliments is never a sign of weakness. It is the right thing to do. Anyone who can contemplate kneeling at an altar, participating in an eternal ordinance–or those who have–can certainly find lovely things to say about a partner.

…”I see how some husbands and wives treat each other,” a young divorced lady said to me, “so coldly and with such indifference I want to scream at them, to wake them up before it is too late. I want to tell them to quit their sarcasm and instead to encourage each other.” And remember, dear friends, that that is part of the responsibility of dating, to handle that precious relationship as if it were fragile because it is. We all tend to become the persons described in the compliments that our spouses and friends pay us. We will do almost anything to live up to the compliments and encouragements of a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a proud wife or husband.

I like it Hugh!  You’ve said it sooo well!  Sarcasm…it’s of the devil and don’t you forget it.  Elder Holland thinks so too!

In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, who is constantly critical of you, who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor.  (Elder Holland, “How Do I Love Thee?”)

Once my mom paid Lindsey and I to quit some bad habits.  (We were trying to earn the money our super nice mom was already going to give us for a NYC shopping trip)  I made money by destroying some hooded sweatshirts that I wore every day (hood on of course) for 6 months straight minus the 3 hours of church each week.  Trust me – you wouldn’t have left home without a hood on till your butch haircut grew out either!  But Lindsey…she made money by being nice to me.  (And ummm yeah…we were in our 20’s when this went down) And she lost money when she was rude.  It was shocking to her and I both how many times a day I had to look at her, tilt my head, and ask, “Now Lindsey is that building or tearing?” To which she would wince and in her sorry voice try to verbally earn back her bribe.  Needless to say I did a lot of shopping on that trip while Lindsey was on a bit of a budget.

We need to be nice, talk nice, date nice, and hopefully marry nice!  If you think something that will build someone else up…say it…don’t wast that thought.  Thanks to those kind friends that are esteem boosters in my life.  I appreciate the building.  You are my cherries on top! xoxo

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A note to the Mrs.

Posted on April 9, 2012 by Tristen

About 6-7 years ago I was in the real estate business working my tail off.  I had finally decided it was time for myself to take Elder Oaks counsel in his talk, “Dedication of a Lifetime” and stop waiting around for a husband -but to progress in my life like a real deal adult.  So if it was a career women I needed to be…I was gettin’ to it.  This job was the epitome of the law of the harvest in action.  I worked hard and it paid off – I even bought my first place and had a blast fixing up that milestone!

Now I’d worked hard before.  I was taught well in that regard by my parents.  However, as is my nature, I always did find a little joy in creating ways to get out of Saturday morning weeding assignments.  However, any lesson that may have escaped me in my youth was surely drilled into me daily for the 18 months of my mission!   But this kind of work…this whole career woman thing…this work was ridiculously draining!  Yes, obviously so was the mission – but at least for those 18 months I was working for the salvation of souls!  This kinda stuff was for financial gain (something that’s never been a huge motivating factor for me) – this was the kind of stuff I wanted to support a husband in doing…while I stayed home raising our children!  (There is no feminist lady here…I’m all about being in that kitchen pregnant and barefoot!)  Working 11 hour days was  not my first choice in daily activity…but I did it.  And later when I left this job I was grateful to know I possessed the skill set to do it again if my situation was in need of it.

Well one day I came home from this job and was SO glad I was a woman!  So glad that this wasn’t going to forever be my destiny (at least my hope is that it’s not!) – sooo glad that we have roles as men and women and I intended to stick to them!  I know every woman doesn’t get to be a stay-at-home mom…but it’s my hope that my situation will eventually allow for that.  So in my assumption that the role of great, supportive, empathetic “Mrs.” would eventually come my way – I wrote myself a little reminder of how it feels to be in the “Mr.’s” shoes.  I just came across it yesterday and found it pretty classic that I wrote this ‘note to self’ 7 years ago!  Here it is:

MRS.

Appreciate that he goes to work.  Some days work sucks and is hard and I want to quit it and forget about all my potential as a career driven person.  I want to throw in the towel and take the easy way out.  And when I come home, I’m tired and just want to be loved.  I don’t want to hear complaints or even talk sometimes.  I worked hard, somedays I get no where doing that, and I want to come home and feel appreciated and loved.  So I can only imagine Mr.?  will feel the same way.  Even if he is in a job that he thouroughly enjoys – he will still come home exhausted from a long days work.  Don’t be too busy for him.  Stop what your doing and greet him, and prepare a nice meal for him.  Make him feel that his home is a haven to come home to.  It will help him to leave work at work, and he’ll enjoy anticipating coming home to you.

Especially right after he gets home from work don’t bombard him with the complaintive details of your long day.  Let him have some down time in his home and he will want to be there and be with you.

It’s hard being in a situation where you are responsible for so many things, and so many other people can screw it up.  Encourage him that he can do it and that you believe in him.  Listen to his ideas and build him up.  He leaves to work with what you give to him.  Make him believe in himself because you believe in him.  Appreciate him and the fact that he gets up and goes to work every day to provide a nice life for you and your family.  Serve him and love him, and let him be tired sometimes.  Take care of him Trissy…you better!!!

I believe there are some bits of truth in that.  Take note future supportive wifey’s! xoxo

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Dating Clients

Posted on April 3, 2012 by Tristen

        VS.

I had a dream come true referred to me the other day.  I read this guy’s profile and I’ll be honest – he’s the kind of guy, in the kind of situation, that would be perfect for me.  No real issues stood out – seems to be the only reason he hasn’t married is because his job put him in a bizarre position for the last few years.  He changed his job and is ready to settle down and start his family.  He came to the right girl!

After talking to him on the phone a few times, I was even more impressed.  This guy was legit and I could hardly wait to meet him in person.  Now- you need to know that as a Matchmaker I am very adamant about my rules…even my own personal rules.  I don’t date my clients.  Never have, never will.  There’s reasoning behind this.  If I go into any sort of matchmaking situation with anything but pure intentions to find them the love of their life – I mess the whole process up!  If I meet a man and am secretly hoping he’ll find me irresistible- you better believe I’m not about to set him up with the best gals I’ve got!  So there we sit…him waiting for me to set him up with his future wifey, and me waiting for him to realize I’m his wifey….see???  One big loop of waiting that never gets resolved.  So…I don’t date my clients.

But…that doesn’t mean I don’t try to put my best foot forward and look my best!  I’d obviously be stupid and stay single into the eternities if I didn’t at least try to do that!  Then…if some fine young (maybe old?) chap see’s I’m what he wants I trust that he’ll do something about it, release himself from my clientele, and have some guts to make a move for what he wants.

Well- the time came and I was going to get to meet this great potential client in person.  Typically, in my primary interviews with clients- I dig deep.  I ask some pretty personal questions – and I have a specific reason to everything I ask.  Knowing this was my chance to learn all the good stuff about this new guy…I came up with a few ‘extra’ questions I wanted him to tell me all about.

So we met, and I asked away.  He was just as awesome in person as I had hoped he would be.  In that hour and a half I feel like I briefly learned about every aspect of his life.  I had a good summary of who this guy was and why.  He was a leader, he was genuine, empathetic, and hard working,- he’d been through some junk and still stuck close to the gospel, he was kind, he wasn’t afraid of commitment, and he even mentioned he didn’t mind a girl with some curves…I was in love!!!  But…I kept it together and reminded myself I was out to find him someone other than myself to fill his every desire.

I got to Matchmaking work…thinking of all the great girls that would be so lucky to get to know this great catch!  He called a few times after our initial meeting and it seemed he was beginning to cross the line of ‘client calling matchmaker.’ – And then he spit it out.  He said, and I quote, “Tristen, let’s call a spade a spade. I was coming to meet you to see if you and I actually had any potential.”  I was struck dumb…and hadn’t thought for a second those were his intentions.  Remember, I go into strictly Matchmaking mode upon meeting a potential client…even if I sorta wish it were otherwise.  And then he hit me with a real doozie.  He said, “And Tristen- I have to tell you I was really left disappointed by you.”

Umm…excuse me???  Disappointed??  What in the world was he talking about??  He proceeded to tell me that he felt I was really cold towards him and wouldn’t open up to him – and that was very disappointing.  Was this guy kidding me?  He was MY CLIENT! This was a client INTERVIEW!  This was the time for me to ask a zillion questions and listen to whatever he felt so inclined to tell me.  This was NOT the time for me to share my personal answers to every question I asked.  I was so confused by the offense he took to our initial meeting?!

But then what was even more confusing was the fact that I thought he was such a legit type of guy- and outside of matchmaking I would have been interested in him.  So I was left on that phone call first trying to defend myself, and then trying to somehow make a better impression on him and make him re-think his interest level in me.

What a joke!  After that lame-o phone call and a few hours to think about what in the world just happened…I was irritated!  If the guy wanted to know about me then he should have asked me out on a date.  I’m a great conversationalist and would have told him every little thing he’d have wanted to know…ON A DATE!  You wanna judge me on date behavior…then let’s go on a date and judge away.  We were NOT on a date,  we were meeting as professional adults…except only one of us acted professional.

Now guess where I am with this potential client…?  Nowhere!  I have zero desire to fix him up because he was so completely confusing and frankly that’s annoying.  Moral of this story…you want to get to know a girl…then ask the girl out!

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Uh-oh Uchtdorf

Posted on April 2, 2012 by Tristen

President Uchtdorf spoke loud and clear to me yesterday during General Conference.  (You can watch his full address here!)  I went into conference with a few questions in mind that I hoped to receive answers to.  I left conference with more answers than I know what to do with.  And that darn Uchtdorf seemed to keep mentioning things that I prefer to pretend I don’t have a problem with.

“This is just how I am” is a common phrase we think abolishes any form of personal responsibility of our behavior.  We all use justification, denial, and blaming to help maintain a positive image of ourselves.  In fact Dale Carnegie enlightened me to the fact that half of the mentally insane in the world actually have nothing organically wrong with their brain cells.  They are simply people creating a world where they are important that they were unable to achieve in the real world!  Yes, we like to use many self defense mechanisms to keep us from being overwhelmed by the plentiful variety of flaws we’re made up of.

Well…apparently it’s time to, “Stop it!” and be an all around nicer person.  Enough of judging others, it’s time to judge myself.  Let go of grievances?  I yi yi…that’s like the hardest thing in the world to do when I feel like someone has wronged me.  Who wants to give someone a second chance and get messed with again.  Stop punishing those people?  Stop the gossip…even if it’s totally 100% true?!  (Somehow we always seem to rationalize that it’s ok if it’s the truth we speak!…or if I’m just telling it to my mom and no one else.)

All I know is that I’m so grateful that I have a Heavenly Father that knows each of His children individually.  I’m glad that He knows what is genuinely in their hearts and where their intentions lie.  I will say that I have always had the belief that for the most part people are doing the best they know how.  Many times I don’t agree with how one might go about doing it, and the interference it at time brings into my life.  However,  I gotta remember to just let it go, focus on the good, and leave the rest to God.

Pres. Uchtdorf…you got me.  What you shared weren’t the lessons or answers I was looking for – but don’t you worry…I heard them loud and clear!  Thank you for that! xoxo

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