Just got off the phone with a male client of mine. Let’s call him Jack. Jack has recently been dating a lady friend of mine. Let’s call her Jill. Jack recently moved away and this has been hard for Jill. She, as most girls do, has decided she likes him long before he has fully made up his mind in regards to her. Fine – no biggie I tell her…just keep it to yourself. Jack is in a new area and a new area means new girls to date. Jack likes Jill, but he’s not opposed to seeing what else is out there. I advise Jack to date his little heart out.
Dating around is a good thing for a man. He either will come to the conclusion that there is one of the bunch that he wants to move towards exclusivity with, or he will have too much fun being a hot shot with the ladies and it will become obvious he’s not quite ready for exclusivity with anyone. So either way, conclusions come – so I say to let the boys date!
Well this piece of advice was a little hard for Jill to have full confidence in. However, she attempted to trust me. I promised her if he really does have a genuine interest in her, he would figure it out on his own timetable and make the next move towards commitment. I told Jill to be patient, fun, and flirty in the meantime and not screw up the process of letting him come to his own conclusions!
Naturally a women wants to connect with a man on a deeper level as soon as she’s realized she kind of likes him. Women connect with other women by sharing their deepest and truest feelings, expressing how they care for them, and showing support by bearing each others burdens. Listen up ladies: MEN…including the one you’ve got your current crush on…are NOT your girlfriends. If you treat them the same way you would your girlfriends they will not find you attractive and pursue you and want to become exclusive with you. It’s just the way it is! If you want them to know every tiny detail about you – great- you can tell them. But only after you’ve been exclusively dating for some time and are talking marriage (and talking about it because he brought it up!) All I’m saying is ladies…you have got to stop showing all your cards so soon! Give them something to want!
So Jill was missing Jack and hadn’t talked to him for a while and was starting to feel insecure. Jack had mentioned wishing he could see her but couldn’t afford the ticket. Taking Jack for his word and financially being able to provide the means for him to travel to see her…Jill thought she’d fix the problem by surprising him with a plane ticket for the upcoming weekend.
When Jill called me to run this by me I wisely advised her not to do so! Sure he’d like to see her, and I believe he was genuine when he told her that. However, if Jack had really been dying to see her he would have made a way to come visit her. If financially it wasn’t a current possibility, he’d be resourceful and figure it out soon enough. Jill was insistent that Jack wouldn’t take it the wrong way or feel weird about her buying him a plane ticket…after all he had said he ‘wished he could see her.’
So like I said, I just got off the phone with Jack. Guess what? – He felt weird about the round trip ticket she bought for him. He felt pressured by it. He felt he might owe her something by accepting. He felt a total “role reversal” (a direct quote) with her buying him a ticket and an all expense paid weekend. Now I know the intentions of Jill were pure – but I also knew this was going to be majorly unattractive to Jack…and it was!
Jill could have just screwed this whole ‘Jack and Jill’ thing up with that move. But Jack’s a pretty reasonable guy and hopefully as I tried to help him see it was just her trying to be nice…nothing more…nothing less, he’s going to give her a break this time. He expressed to me he would feel fully out of all control of the situation by accepting this invitation and staying with her all weekend. Yes – he liked her and had enjoyed getting to know her better while dating. But he didn’t know if he liked her enough for some 24 hour a day kind of action!
I advised him to take the trip. I agree it was gone about totally wrong – but she’s a great enough girl to look past this dating mistake. I said that he could regain some of that control of feeling like a man back -by setting some boundaries up for the weekend. I advised him to make arrangements to stay with some friends rather than at her house. Obviously that’s more appropriate anyways. That way Jack can still call the shots on when he’s had enough and when it’s time to have some time alone. It’s important for a man to be able to have the opportunity to act like a man.
Ladies…I promise you they want to be the man, the pursuer, the aggressor. We’ve got to let them! Stop being insecure and feeling the need to take charge. Breathe, slow down, and let it evolve. Let him call when he wants to call you, let him set the timetable. If you’ve spent 6 months or more being the passive (it’s not really passive though…it’s more strategic) and patient ladylike gal then I don’t blame you if you’re over it by then. In fact, I’d advise you to be over it – cause he might like you…but obviously not enough! So move on and spend your energies and care on someone that is actively trying to progress with you.
Stop expecting too much too soon. Stop thinking it’s more than it is. Stop going out of your way to make it sooo easy for him…especially in the beginning. Play it cool and if he likes you I promise he’ll do something about it. And don’t try to say he’s just shy…he’s only shy till he finds the girl he really wants to be with!
Thank you for this. I really needed it tonight as I am struggling with this exact issue. I am struggling with holding back. I really like him, I don’t know how he feels about me and he only contacts me every 4 days or so. Patience is not my strong suit. I am used to going after what I want. I just wish he’d make more of an effort or just tell me he’s not interested so I can move on.
Amanda…patience is a killer right?! I’d say go busy yourself with other things, with other boys, with anything – and if he’s really interested he’ll do something about it. The busier you get he’ll either realize he’s got to step up if he wants to see you or he’ll do nothing and you’ll already be anxiously engaged in something or someone else;)