DTR…Define the Relationship. Just thinking about having a “DTR” makes my stomach churn. Men might think they are the only ones cringing when a girl wants to discuss exactly what their ‘relationship’ means. They are wrong. Any normal women also hates them. Most women probably don’t quite realize they hate them…after all they are the ones most often initiating that kind of discussion – so why would they despise them?
Well if you women think for a second- back in your dating history about the times when you’ve felt the need for a “DTR” you’ll realize it actually was an unwanted conversation. Unwanted,…yet you felt it was necessary because you were confused as to where you stood. It’s not fun to lack confidence, security, and a mutual understanding of the relationship you’re in.
So how do you avoid the need for such a dreadful conversation? Here’s how:
MEN: Do what the man is suppossed to do in a relationship. Be the initiator, the pursuer, the hunter. We’ve all got roles. If you forgot exactly what yours is go re-read “The Family Proclamation.” Traditionally – in regards to dating, it was the man’s job to risk rejection first, by asking the woman out on a date and making efforts to impress her. It was then the woman’s decision whether to pursue something with him. When dating follows these guidelines a woman can feel secure in knowing where she stands and won’t be smothering the man with desperate neediness. Follow these traditional guidelines and you’ll actually be acting like a man!
Men…you are suppossed to help her feel confident. You help her to feel that way and she will be more attractive to you! The more attractive she is, the more you will want to continue the courting process, and then you’ll finally feel like you’ve actually found someone you’re willing to commit to! In summary – if you’re on the unfortunate end of an unwanted “DTR” it’s your own fault. You’ve got to help her to help you.
Women: Stop being so aggressive in dating. It’s one thing to be pro-active if you’re single and opportunities to date aren’t coming your way. It’s a whole different ball game when you start asking men out and having non-committal relationships! Women today who are out hooking up (regardless if you’re talking LDS style hook up or worldly style hook up – they both mean physical intimacy outside the context of any sort of commitment) tell me about feeling confused after doing so because they just aren’t sure if the guy they made out with wants a relationship…and most often it ends up that they don’t!
You want to stay vulnerable??? Then keep hooking up with boys before there’s any commitment and you surely will. You will also find yourself waiting endlessly by the phone for him to call you and define the status of the relationship. Come on girls – you know that’s embarrassing.
So – this is what you do ladies. You stop being the girl they can just ‘hang out’ with. ‘Hanging out’ leads to casual ‘hooking up,’ and ‘hooking up’ leads to your being needy because you don’t have confidence in the pretend relationship you think you’ve begun to build. And then before you know it, you’re stalking him wanting a horrid and premature DTR!!! The only result you’ll get from following this pattern is your name being synonymous with DRAMA in his mind.
In conclusion…stick with your roles. Girls stop blaming the boys of our generation with an inability to commit. This may be true with some, but it’s a poor generalization for the entire male species in my opinion. Help them to help you…give them a reason and a desire to commit. Boys stop humoring the aggressive girls that encourage your lazy behavior and start acting like men! Follow this advice so we can rid the world of those nasty little chats called DTR’s!!!
Wow, this article is wonderful. I wish everyone in my singles ward could read it. Thank you so much!
I respectfully disagree with your views on the “roles” for men and women in the dating sense. Also, throwing in the proclamation for the family was a poor argument and didn’t have any relevance in this context.
I DO believe that men should pursue…. BUT women should reciprocate. Let’s say it together ladies….. RE-CI-PRO-CATE……. Whether that reciprocation is for or against a second or third or fourth date. The “fade out” is understood in high school, not as adults. Don’t use that as a crutch. If guys have to go out on a limb and put themselves out there, and chance rejection then women need to held to some expectations as well. You think this is a one way street here? You think that guys have to take ALL the chances? You think women get to sit back and eat free meals, go to free concerts, see free movies, helicopter rides, horse rides, etc, etc, etc, without SOME responsibility?? Girls use the excuse “I’m old-fashioned”. Let’s call it how it really is ladies…. You’re not only old-fashioned. You’re LAZY…… You want your cake and eat it too! Well…. I’ve got news for you….. You aren’t living in the real world…! Believe it or not….. We’re all in the same dating boat. Now I understand that guys might need to go out on a limb FIRST. But here comes that word again…. reciprocation. I’m not even implying that it has to be 50-50. I’m talking bread crumbs! All a guy needs is bread crumbs, and he can follow the hints. I really don’t think that is too much too ask. Chasing? Pursuing? No problem whatsoever. But I do expect the girl to do something. Anything. I think that’s more than fair. So please….. enough of this “old-fashion” business. Let’s be real people, trying to get to know one another.
I respectfully disagree with your need to keep yourself anonymous when you’ve got such great insight to share. Time to stand behind them (cause that’s what a real man would do…roles….we got roles…)! It sounds like you’ve struggled a bit yourself in the dating game. No need to get bitter or feel the victim. I have a suggestion…I mean after all I am THE Mormon Matchmaker…Maybe it’s time you revert back to those good ‘ol fashioned ways I speak of and see if things don’t improve for you. I’m just a phone call away – and I’ll help you get it right this time;)
Roles baby…we got roles – and I’m standin’ by ’em!!!
Ohhh…. anonymity is crucial. The LDS world is WAY too small. If that makes me less of a man, so be it. However, I don’t see it that way. I see it as a critical strategic move on my part. Too many judgmental prying eyes out there. Unfortunately. I wish people could look at things objectively, but sadly that is not the case. My purpose is NOT to get into an argument here. It is simply to add additional insight that may or may not benefit someone.
As far as me struggling in dating as you say…… ha! Aren’t we all?? Name one person over the age of 25 that LOVES dating. I’m not bitter. I’m not angry. I just think things could be easier, and more enjoyable for both genders. It doesn’t have to be such a drag. I have no hard feelings towards any of the girls I have gone out with. I actually go out quite a bit and the vast majority have been wonderful people. It’s great to get to know other people. But, guys aren’t the only ones that should have some “cahones”.
I did not grow up in the great state of Utah, nor did I grow up in an area where there were many members of the church. Things (dating) was done differently. Not better, not worse. Different. And maybe… just maybe… there might be other ways to look at dating other than the guy does everything, and if it goes wrong it’s always the guys fault.
Now, as I said before I have no problem with pursuing, asking out, and “hunting”. I never have. That’s not just in asking girls out. That’s an attribute you have to have to survive in this beautifully brutal world. But in women’s own way they need to possess the same attribute. Now, it may be in different ways. But women need to take responsibility for what happens in their life as well. And that includes their dating life.
However, at the risk of contradicting myself I will admit that I do blame the guys for the majority of the hardships that occur in dating. For I believe that the girls will follow the lead of the guys (in general). I don’t mean that in a chauvinistic way at all. I wholeheartedly believe in women’s independence and am attracted to that. Let me illustrate with an example. Girl calls guy. Guy, for some odd reason, thinks that because the girl called him she is in love with him. So the guy blows her off and tells all his buddies that so-and-so is in love with him. The girl learns from this experience and never calls, never initiates, and even goes beyond this and never even acts interested in another guy again. Pu in another way: walls go up and the games begin. And this way of thinking perpetuates and snow balls. Then this becomes the cultural norm. Hence this messed up dating scene we have. Therefore, the issue of fewer people getting married.
So to the guys….. pull your head out! The girl isn’t in love with you if she talks to you. She isn’t planning to have your babies. She wants to talk and get to know you…. like normal people do.
To the girls….. this is a two-way street. We are in this together. Just as we are in life, and marriage. Pay less attention to roles and more attention to being a real person and getting to know another real person. I know what you’re thinking…. well what if we (girls) get rejected? Ha! Join the club sweetheart. It actually might do you some good. Guys deal with it on a constant basis. Why shouldn’t you?
We can make this easier and more enjoyable.
This is absolutely nothing against Utah or the Mormon community. I love Utah! Otherwise I wouldn’t have spent so many years there. However, I can tell you this. I always had more success dating out of Utah. It was easier. It was more enjoyable. I am a member of the Church and have been my whole life. I have experienced dating in state and out of state and I can assure you there is a BIG difference. And anyone who says otherwise hasn’t been outside of Utah.
We can do better. We can make this easier and more enjoyable.
If you were to read more of my blog entries you’d see I’m pretty quick to call out the ladies where I feel they could improve just as much as the men. And ps: I’m not from Utah either…so not sure where you’re going with all that. If you’ve got more advice suggestions etc. to share, please feel free. But I won’t be approving any more anonymous comments. I’d maybe even consider letting you do a guest blog if I thought it was any good. But from here on out no more hiding behind the computer screen. Say it to my face (with your face and name) or don’t say it at all. xoxo
And so the problem perpetuates……
AH! Tristen! I love your responses to Anonymous here. I cannot wait to pick your brain this next week. I was literally just having this same conversation. I feel like we’re meant to be friends.
I am over 25 and I DO LOVE dating!:)
I think I dated Anonymous Blogger and he chastised me for being too forward (read: desperate).
You guys crack me up. Well, I hope its not to late to jump on the bandwagon (of this thread I mean, haha). But I have to agree with what is said. I do want to pose a question or two however. So why is it that I have had really bad luck in the past with girls that say yes when they really should say no? Is it just that? Bad luck? I mean, there is an increasing number of girls that just want a free meal, and they treat the guys that way. I totally understand if they want to get out to get to know me and from the first date they can tell that it isn’t going to go anywhere. I hold that card in my hand as well. I guess that’s a dreaded “why” question. I guess a lot of it comes down to humility on both parts.
This is fantastic! Still relevant. The link is to a video I made about the “DTR.”